Friday, May 29, 2009

The Sound of Orange

(Two posts in one day, and one from the elusive Joe! I know, I know, it's very exciting. Now please, calm down, I think you just tinkled on yourself a little. This is a portfolio writing from my composition class that Jamie has been bugging me to post.)

Based on a True Story

Soft. Warm. Comfortable. Snuggled deep into an overstuffed king-size goose down comforter, contentedly sleeping away the last few minutes of my blissful slumber. The past twenty minutes of “Joey get up!” have done their job and chiseled away at my unconscious mind until I groggily mutter something along the lines of “…need more sleep.” Now, the beautiful woman I love and adore who has birthed the most gorgeous little girl and tolerated my sloth for the better part of a decade, is running late this morning. I, who really should have been up twenty minutes ago, am slightly behind schedule as well.
SHREIK!! I snap to full consciousness as my lovely wife, who is one of the most talented sopranos I have ever heard, wails in a voice with pitch and tone that would make a dog uncontrollably wet itself and would make a banshee weep, “You have to leave in ten minutes!” As I hurriedly dress her voice continues to erode even the faintest memory of the pleasantness I was enjoying just seconds ago. I take a moment to clear the cobwebs from my disoriented mind, but this disembodied voice that is following my wonderful spouse is relentless, and if not for the accompaniment of occasional dirty looks to punctuate her complaints, it would be difficult to convince me that it is my wife actually speaking. It is at this point that I inform her that again I will not be keeping our standing lunch date in lieu of a much needed nap.
The destruction of Pompeii at the hands of Mt. Vesuvius pales in comparison to the explosive tirade launched at me. I know you’ve heard all the rumors and myths about redheads, but let me tell you that the reality is far, far scarier. I ended up keeping our lunch date.

I am the Rain Man

No, no, not in the autistic savant way. I am referring to the perpetually precipitation-plagued personage that is me (or is it "that is I"...I dunno, just appreciate my splendid example of gratuitous alliteration!) We just got back from an extremely spontaneous vacation to Florida and the Bahamas. It was tons of fun if you can overlook one very important fact: it rained every flippin day! I'm completely serious, it rained at home for a week, then followed me to Florida, the entire cruise, the drive home, and now it's still drizzling here at home again. I noticed that while on this kind of damp vacation, it's awful hard to:
1) figure out what to wear - it's hot outside, but all those cute summery outfits become surprisingly transparent when they get soaked
2) explain to a two year old why she can't run free on a cruise ship like she does at home (cuz no matter how many strangers say "oh look, she's sooooo precious," someone will still give you the stink eye for not putting your child on a leash)
3) have some adult fun time while stuck in your tiny cabin with that little one glaring at you resentfully from a rickety porta-crib
4) talk the child into staying in her stroller...which is definitely not waterproof
5) hear they other passengers talk enthusiastically about the two waterspouts/tornados they took pictures of today while at sea, and contain your own abundant excitement
6) share one small umbrella among three people
7) not gain twenty pounds when eating is the only interesting thing to do
8) answer questions like "How was your vacation?"

We did have fun though, and now that we're back I'll be posting some pictures and hopefuly even some video.