Monday, June 8, 2009

One for the Good Guys

It's me again *waves* with another one of my class portfolio writings that my wife finds amusing.

Gentleman your attention please! What I am about to tell you is a first, and must be told to all men. So listen closely and spread the Word. I have won the toilet seat argument with my wife. I know… take all the time you need. Yes it’s true I won the argument through logic and I am going to tell you how you can take this victory home with you as well. My logic is this: I have to put the toilet seat up everytime it needs to go up. So I am doing all of the work putting it up. She only puts it down. Sounds fair yeah… but there are times when I must put it down as well so I am doing part of the work to put it down too. Therefore, I am doing all of the up work and some of the down work, and she is only doing some of the down work. Doesn’t sound fair anymore. If we are to have an equal amount of work in this, toilet seat movements or marriage, then she needs to handle the down work without complaining all the time. And if you get yelled at about her “falling in” ask her “You look behind you when you back up in a car don’t you? Why the Hell wouldn’t you look behind you with your pants around your ankles?” Just don’t expect her to be enthusiastic about your reasoning, or to openly acknowledge that you’re right – that’s a whole different battle.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

More Than We Baragined For

**Warning, if you're easily offended read no further. If however, you'd find an extensive list of English colloquialisms for the human mammary glands to be entertaining, then by all means read on...**

It is a testament to Joe's training as a husband that it took me making a comment for him to even notice. After a few hours of exploring the Carnival Imagination on our recent cruise I said something like "Well this is just entirely inappropriate!" Which of course got a "Huh?" from Joe, who promptly began looking around for something inappropriate (like an 4 year old wearing a string bikini). Since he obviously had no idea what I was talking about, I pointed to the sphinx statues that adorned ALL of the decorative columns on every floor of the ship. "They didn't need to include anatomically correct boobies on them! They even have nipples, and they're at eye-level. How would I explain to Nana that I'd poked out my eye on a statue's bazoombas?!" Sure enough everywhere we went inside the ship, and I do mean everywhere, there were impressive sets of gold chesticles staring back at us. We stopped counting at 73. I wanted to blind fold Gillian and complain to customer service that they should warn people that this is an X-rated boat. Just imagine if you had an adolescent son and you brought him on this ship! That many ever-present knockers would be sure to cause trouble. Heck, traveling with a grown man was challenge enough - I'm proud of my hubby for limiting his cha-cha jokes to just a handful, and even resisting the temptation to fondle the gazongas for a photo that I'm sure would have been priceless for years to come (sadly many other men did not restrain themselves thusly). The really sad part is that even a married mother can be reduced to crude potty humor when she has had one too many fruity drinks and there are that many hooters staring at her....that's one picture you'll never see, lol!!

So consider yourself forewarned: generous yahoos aplenty!

Oh and one more thing.......the absolute worst part is that, upon closer examination..all of the statues' had the gold paint rubbed off of the nipples! *shudder*

Now, if you're curious to see what I'm talking about, go here to look at a picture someone else took...cuz I just couldn't bring myself to be seen in public taking a picture of a statue's ta-tas.

Other entertaining synonyms not included in this post: rack, ninnies, melons, titties, hood ornaments, funbags, bosoms, badoinkies, goombas, flapdoodles, jahoobies, magambos, dinglebobbers, ...and of course breasts