One for the Good Guys

It's me again *waves* with another one of my class portfolio writings that my wife finds amusing.



Gentleman your attention please! What I am about to tell you is a first, and must be told to all men. So listen closely and spread the Word. I have won the toilet seat argument with my wife. I know… take all the time you need. Yes it’s true I won the argument through logic and I am going to tell you how you can take this victory home with you as well. My logic is this: I have to put the toilet seat up everytime it needs to go up. So I am doing all of the work putting it up. She only puts it down. Sounds fair yeah… but there are times when I must put it down as well so I am doing part of the work to put it down too. Therefore, I am doing all of the up work and some of the down work, and she is only doing some of the down work. Doesn’t sound fair anymore. If we are to have an equal amount of work in this, toilet seat movements or marriage, then she needs to handle the down work without complaining all the time. And if you get yelled at about her “falling in” ask her “You look behind you when you back up in a car don’t you? Why the Hell wouldn’t you look behind you with your pants around your ankles?” Just don’t expect her to be enthusiastic about your reasoning, or to openly acknowledge that you’re right – that’s a whole different battle.

More Than We Baragined For

**Warning, if you're easily offended read no further. If however, you'd find an extensive list of English colloquialisms for the human mammary glands to be entertaining, then by all means read on...**

It is a testament to Joe's training as a husband that it took me making a comment for him to even notice. After a few hours of exploring the Carnival Imagination on our recent cruise I said something like "Well this is just entirely inappropriate!" Which of course got a "Huh?" from Joe, who promptly began looking around for something inappropriate (like an 4 year old wearing a string bikini). Since he obviously had no idea what I was talking about, I pointed to the sphinx statues that adorned ALL of the decorative columns on every floor of the ship. "They didn't need to include anatomically correct boobies on them! They even have nipples, and they're at eye-level. How would I explain to Nana that I'd poked out my eye on a statue's bazoombas?!" Sure enough everywhere we went inside the ship, and I do mean everywhere, there were impressive sets of gold chesticles staring back at us. We stopped counting at 73. I wanted to blind fold Gillian and complain to customer service that they should warn people that this is an X-rated boat. Just imagine if you had an adolescent son and you brought him on this ship! That many ever-present knockers would be sure to cause trouble. Heck, traveling with a grown man was challenge enough - I'm proud of my hubby for limiting his cha-cha jokes to just a handful, and even resisting the temptation to fondle the gazongas for a photo that I'm sure would have been priceless for years to come (sadly many other men did not restrain themselves thusly). The really sad part is that even a married mother can be reduced to crude potty humor when she has had one too many fruity drinks and there are that many hooters staring at her....that's one picture you'll never see, lol!!

So consider yourself forewarned: generous yahoos aplenty!

Oh and one more thing.......the absolute worst part is that, upon closer examination..all of the statues' had the gold paint rubbed off of the nipples! *shudder*

Now, if you're curious to see what I'm talking about, go here http://www.flickr.com/photos/ilovecoffeeyesido/2414757070/ to look at a picture someone else took...cuz I just couldn't bring myself to be seen in public taking a picture of a statue's ta-tas.

Other entertaining synonyms not included in this post: rack, ninnies, melons, titties, hood ornaments, funbags, bosoms, badoinkies, goombas, flapdoodles, jahoobies, magambos, dinglebobbers, ...and of course breasts

The Sound of Orange

(Two posts in one day, and one from the elusive Joe! I know, I know, it's very exciting. Now please, calm down, I think you just tinkled on yourself a little. This is a portfolio writing from my composition class that Jamie has been bugging me to post.)

Based on a True Story

Soft. Warm. Comfortable. Snuggled deep into an overstuffed king-size goose down comforter, contentedly sleeping away the last few minutes of my blissful slumber. The past twenty minutes of “Joey get up!” have done their job and chiseled away at my unconscious mind until I groggily mutter something along the lines of “…need more sleep.” Now, the beautiful woman I love and adore who has birthed the most gorgeous little girl and tolerated my sloth for the better part of a decade, is running late this morning. I, who really should have been up twenty minutes ago, am slightly behind schedule as well.
SHREIK!! I snap to full consciousness as my lovely wife, who is one of the most talented sopranos I have ever heard, wails in a voice with pitch and tone that would make a dog uncontrollably wet itself and would make a banshee weep, “You have to leave in ten minutes!” As I hurriedly dress her voice continues to erode even the faintest memory of the pleasantness I was enjoying just seconds ago. I take a moment to clear the cobwebs from my disoriented mind, but this disembodied voice that is following my wonderful spouse is relentless, and if not for the accompaniment of occasional dirty looks to punctuate her complaints, it would be difficult to convince me that it is my wife actually speaking. It is at this point that I inform her that again I will not be keeping our standing lunch date in lieu of a much needed nap.
The destruction of Pompeii at the hands of Mt. Vesuvius pales in comparison to the explosive tirade launched at me. I know you’ve heard all the rumors and myths about redheads, but let me tell you that the reality is far, far scarier. I ended up keeping our lunch date.

I am the Rain Man

No, no, not in the autistic savant way. I am referring to the perpetually precipitation-plagued personage that is me (or is it "that is I"...I dunno, just appreciate my splendid example of gratuitous alliteration!) We just got back from an extremely spontaneous vacation to Florida and the Bahamas. It was tons of fun if you can overlook one very important fact: it rained every flippin day! I'm completely serious, it rained at home for a week, then followed me to Florida, the entire cruise, the drive home, and now it's still drizzling here at home again. I noticed that while on this kind of damp vacation, it's awful hard to:
1) figure out what to wear - it's hot outside, but all those cute summery outfits become surprisingly transparent when they get soaked
2) explain to a two year old why she can't run free on a cruise ship like she does at home (cuz no matter how many strangers say "oh look, she's sooooo precious," someone will still give you the stink eye for not putting your child on a leash)
3) have some adult fun time while stuck in your tiny cabin with that little one glaring at you resentfully from a rickety porta-crib
4) talk the child into staying in her stroller...which is definitely not waterproof
5) hear they other passengers talk enthusiastically about the two waterspouts/tornados they took pictures of today while at sea, and contain your own abundant excitement
6) share one small umbrella among three people
7) not gain twenty pounds when eating is the only interesting thing to do
8) answer questions like "How was your vacation?"

We did have fun though, and now that we're back I'll be posting some pictures and hopefuly even some video.

Time Flies

Apparently another year passed when I wasn't looking, and now it's too late to put a rock on her head to keep her from growing (I honestly thinks she likes to do it...like when I turn my back, and she concentrates real hard.....making that face that makes me think we need to run for the potty..... and SQQUIRPP! up she goes another 1/2 inch). To honor the occasion we are going to have a birthday party, where we will attempt to keep our sanity while entertaining 10-15 children all under the age of 4 (if I'm singing 'I'm A Little TeaPot' and combing my hair hair with a spork on Monday, well then..you know what happened). It's going to be in a picninc shelter at a lovely little park nearby, and if you are reading this (with a child under the age of 4 you claim ownership of ) and still haven't replied to my invitation...get with it!

How Do I Hang This On The Fridge?

I am so very glad that these wash off easily. The hard part is explaining to an almost-2 year old the difference between a bath tub wall and a living room wall :)

First Snow

This is the first time it has snowed since we bought our house :) If it sticks, we're going to take her to play in the snow for another first tomorrow.